Oh for heaven’s sake. Somehow, when I copied and pasted, I dropped the lead paragraph: This is a reprint from my now defunct blog, Odds n Bods, from a different tim, with a few changes, and additions. /sigh/
I read an article the other day that got me to thinking a tad bit about old age, growing older, and all the related implications.
The article, “He was one of millions of Chinese seniors growing old alone. So he put himself up for adoption.” is by Emily Rauhala at The Washington Post, May 2, 2018.
It is about an 85-year-old Chinese man, a widower, with children who had long since moved away and had lives of their own. The old ways in China are dying, if not dead. Modernity has come, and with it the fact that children are not always in a position to care for aging parents as once was the norm. Han Zicheng, tired of being alone, of having no sons to care for him (he claimed he had two, one of them said there were three), posted a note in a public place asking for someone to adopt him so he would not die uncared for, alone.
Loneliness is a terrible thing, and we, as a species, seem to feel it more when we are surrounded by people, strangers. I wrote a blog about it December 28, 2015, Are You Lonesome Tonight? on a now defunct blog and even had a link to Elvis singing his popular song. Fortunately the YouTube link to The King’s recording is still available at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XVdtX7uSnk.
My memory of the article about Mr. Han is he was “needy”—he complained about his plight, he didn’t want to do for himself, he expected others to do for him. He refused to go to a nursing home. There were people who maintained contact with him, sporadic at best, but not his family.
I’m sure we all know people like Mr. Han, I certainly do. They are very needy, and though surrounded by people, no one pays them much attention because they are always angry or complaining. Most of them are also excellent manipulators, and often one doesn’t realize what is happening until they’ve been sucked in. Needy people are exhausting people. They don’t want to help themselves; they want someone to “fix” it for them, whatever “it” is. There is a reason I never became a counselor.
Someone sent me a quote by Cynthia Nelms the other day, “Nobody cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.” It’s good advice. Truly, nobody cares. Oh, that’s not to say, when the now and again calamity hits they don’t care, but it gets jaded hearing nothing but complaints from people, even when couched in such a manner they think they’re being cute and people won’t notice. Complaining is a habit, and like any habit, it can be broken with a little work. Okay, a lot of work. Still it’s a habit that can be broken. Or continually reinforced. Pay attention to what you think, speak, and write. Is it positive, or is there a hint of whine? Cheese not included.
I read an article the other day by a counselor, and I now wish I’d marked it, written it down, but I didn’t. Old age, ya know? Anyhow the counselor said that forgiving someone isn’t about them, it’s about the one who forgives. You can hate someone for your whole life, and guess how much sleep the hated person loses over it? Yeah, none. How much do YOU lose over it? The counselor suggested even if you don’t really want to forgive the offending person, pretend to forgive them. Every time you think of them, and start getting angry, etc., stop and say something like, “(Name) you really hurt me. I forgive you.” and then go one with your day. Repeat as often as necessary. Eventually, you’ll really forgive them without really noticing, and you’ll start to feel better than you’ve felt in years.
At some point in my life it came to me that I’m probably going to be alone far more than I’m going to be coupled, and if that’s the case, I’d darned well better learn to like myself, because I’m going to be the best, and possibly only, company I’m going to have as I age, grow old, and die.
By the way, this idea of being afraid to die alone is rather odd, if you think about it. Two things we always do alone are being birthed and dying. There may be friends and or family present, but when push comes to shove (pun intended) we’re gonna do it alone. If it frightens you, I suggest you do some searching as to why it frightens you, and then act and change so it doesn’t. Educate yourself. If the face of the god you worship is a vengeful, wrathful, frightening one, consider finding a more forgiving, humorous, and loving face of your god to worship. As Reverend Mother Odrade, BG, said, “Face your fears or they will climb over your back.”
Are you lonesome? Want someone to adopt you? Are you adoptable? Which baby do you gravitate to—the happy, bubbly baby, who loves to burble and smile? —or the grumpy one who would rather cry and whimper and scream? Who would you adopt?
Public Service Announcement: I sent two checks off to the ALS Association and End of Life Washington today, in memory of Thomas, each for $80.00. Thanks to all of you who bought the book. And thanks to all of you who will buy the book, the next check will go out in February.
Lenora
“Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive.” –Elbert Hubbard