Tag Archives: Death with Dignity

You Undoubtedly Noticed

Weather in the Tries: 
Cold

You Undoubtedly Noticed:
I didn’t post a blog last week! I was with a couple of friends who died, one on Wednesday and the other on Monday. They weren’t close friends, but they were friends.

And then I read an article in (I think) the London Times by a man who was nine years old when his mother was diagnosed with cancer. I don’t remember what happened to Dad, but he wasn’t there. And this young boy became a primary care giver for his mom. She died when he was thirteen. He would take care of her in the morning, before school, and rush home to take care of her after school. He did everything, and when the pain got to be too much, she was taken to a psychiatric hospital, where she spent her last weeks without pain meds, and he would come buy every day on his way home from school to be with her, to help, to care.

He is a politician now, and when the vote comes up for medical assistance in dying in the UK, he will vote against it, because he thinks every child should have the same opportunities he did, to care for his dying parent, like he did. Do watch and listen to them scream in agony. Have you ever heard such selfish drivel? Not once did he think that maybe his mom was in enough pain she would have liked to exit earlier and to spare him the agony of watching her die. Maybe he’s a sadist in disguise.

I don’t know, but I sure think he was being mighty selfish. There was another letter a few days later, by a woman, a priest of her church, I forgot her title. Her letter was a little different, but it came down to suffering is good for the soul and I guess her god likes his humans to suffer now so they won’t suffer later. 

The subject of death came up in our Death Café this afternoon. (now is that a co inky dink? or what? /snort/) and I mentioned that in this state we have Death With Dignity for those who want it and qualify. Yes, people have to jump through hoops to partake, and every effort is exerted to be sure it is what the client wants, and 2 prescribers, one a doctor, agree. And they have the right to say, “No.” at any time. One person asked me if Death With Dignity was euthanasia. Another gal said no, euthanasia is what we do for our pets. I thought that was a good response and agreed with her, and gave the patrons of our café two sites to go to for information.

I think about Death With Dignity like I think about Abortion—if you don’t want either one, don’t have it—but don’t force your god’s peccadilloes down other people’s throats. They have enough to deal with, with their gods and his peccadilloes.

So, that’s why I didn’t write a post last week. I was grieving for two new friends I’d made who died before we could even have an argument, and then read those two letters. I was in no mood to write. Anything. Deal with it.

This Week’s Photo:
Took this photo two years ago this week, at Sheryl’s home. Thomas loved this tree, and could no longer see it as it was in the back of the house, and we couldn’t get him there, so I took the picture so he could enjoy the vibrant reds second hand.

from the desk of the mighty chihuahua;
it’s really cold out, and dark. the sun doesn’t come up until after 7 in the morning, and goes away before I can eat dinner and go for my afternoon walk. my human says another month and the days will start to get longer. I think the sun should be out half the time and the stars the other half. but I’m only a dog, and I don’t get no respect.

I’m Back!

In Memoriam
Thomas Leo “Walks Easy” Hubbard
15 June 1938 — 30 May 2023
Aho!

I came home Thursday after having the great honor to be with my EBOC (elder brother of choice) the last weeks and months of his life. We had a lot in common, we are both part Native American, though neither of us is registered with our Tribe. We both have Native names, Thomas Walks Easy and Lenora Rain Dancing Feet—we both took our names, they hold great meaning for both of us, but no Tribe bestowed them. We are both writers, he was a musician and I’m a listener. We are both artistic—he sketched people, made cartoons, was a silver-smith—I love silver jewelry, I quilt, I sometimes paint, I take way too many photos. He was very generous with his help, advice, his being.  

Thomas was diagnosed with ALS about the time we met each other, five or so years ago. It takes a lot of energy to die, and we decided to become siblings of choice rather than enter into a romantic relationship. That’s not to say we didn’t love each other, but it was a sibling sort of love. And it was an honor to be with him, and his partner, Sheryl.

And, of course, because he’s my brother, I agreed to be his Literary Executrix. When I’m through crying, I’ll get to work. He’s got lots of stuff to print, sort, submit, etc.

I’m of the idea that the more we love, the more we hurt. There are a lot of people out there hurting now, who truly loved that man. 

If you, or someone you know and love is facing the end of life, I heartily recommend your local Hospice. They were so good not just to Thomas, but to his caregivers, too. He was able to stay in his home until the end, and did not have to go into a new and different space, with new and strange people.

He spent the last several months wearing either nightshirts or tee’s with the back sliced up to the neckband so he was comfortable, but we were able to get him dressed for his last day, and we turned his bed so he could see the back yard without having to turn his head. His caregiver, Mikeshia, got him dressed in his favorite “pineapple” shirt and a pair of slacks.

This is Sheryl, sharing something humorous with Thomas. Probably many of the comments from his last Facebook post that morning. By bedtime Tuesday, I believe Sheryl told me there were over 70 comments in response.

These are “Bonus Sons,”–Sheryl’s two boys, who brought a very good bottle of Rye for us to toast the successful downing of the pre-meds (anti-nausea and tranquilizer). We told stories, shared many laughs, for the intervening hour before the final meds. Sheryl is sitting the chair, and Keshia is standing in the background.

And here he is sporting his pineapple shirt and drinking his toast of rye. He couldn’t lift his hands to hold a drink, so he had to drink everything through a straw–coffee, water, juice, beer, wine, soda, Rye.

I put my phone on the pillow next to his head, and this is the view he had. The bouquet of wildflowers on the right was from one of his great friends, Anna, and the roses from one of his caregivers, Kini. On the table is the bottle of Rye, and a few of his coffeehouse napkin drawings.

Keshia, his primary caregiver. He had three, not counting Sheryl and me–Keshia, Kini, and Abike. They were all super, and so caring and patient (and not just with Thomas, but also with me!) and loving.

These are more of his napkin art. The bottle of Rye on the left, and a quilt I made and gave Thomas shortly after we met. And I just received this from one of his friends:
“Half the sketches Thomas drew in his later years were studies of himself. In moods of mild pleasure, curiosity, anger, bafflement. He wasn’t a moody sort, and didn’t use a mirror, or catch his reflection in the coffee shop window, didn’t need either one. The inner reflection of the felt life got to be plenty by then.” –Paul Hunter

Sheryl took this picture of Thomas, with me in the corner. I held his left hand after he took the final meds, and stroked his arm until the end. They say that people in a coma can hear others speak, so I thought maybe he would feel the human warmth of touch as he walked that final path, and know he was not alone for the whole journey.

After he died, we all went out and cut a flower from Sheryl’s Garden to place on him. When the guys from the Funeral home came, they left the blanket, but took the flowers, and instead of putting him in a black body bag for our last goodbye, they covered him in a soft blue and white quilt.

And here I am surrounded by Keshia and Sheryl. They helped me pack up Big Red, and I came home.

Thomas said he wanted to die when he finished the first draft of his memoir. And that’s what he did. As Frank Sinatra sang, he did it his way. He gave away all his belongings, his woulda’s, coulda’s, shoulda’s, art, everything at 2:55 Tuesday afternoon. He gave away all the pains and hurts and frustrations at 2:55 Tuesday afternoon. He gave away his memoir, to me, to finish with Sheryl’s help. 

I am especially thankful that we have Death with Dignity in our state. I know not everyone wants to take advantage of it, and they don’t need to do so, but Thomas was so tired of the constant pain, of being totally dependent on someone else—ear itch? call someone to scratch it. Nose itch? back itch? Want a sip of coffee? Call someone to hold it for you. Eat? Yeah. His legs were useless, his arms were useless, the muscles of his core were gone, so were his back and neck muscles (do you have any idea how much a head weighs when it’s full of skull, brain, words, etc.?) If he needed to type, he had to dictate, and his facial muscles were beginning to go, and the computer didn’t always understand him, and then he’d get frustrated. It’s good the computer didn’t understand what he was saying as he yelled at it. 

MedPage Today has an interesting article—Dying With Dignity: A Look at the Advantages of the Medicare Hospice Benefit—the program is both cost-effective and compassionate. I strongly suggest you read it if you have any questions about Death With Dignity. 

Thank you for your patience with your Old Auntie, while she was gone. It’s good to be home, though there is more than a little pain involved. One of the super nice, wonderful things, is some time ago, my Ol’ Same gifted me with some very nice soap and a travel tin. I used them both on this trip. Thank you, Ol’ Same. You and your gift brought many smiles.

Somehow, one of Thomas’s tee shirts ended up in my suitcase. It’s bright red, short sleeved, and has a pocket. I’m told he loved this shirt and liked to wear it on Tuesdays (the day he died). No one has confessed they put it in my suitcase, but I’ve worn it all day for a couple of days. Like having a Thomas Hug all day long. Maybe his ghost put it there?

Walk Easy, 
my brother.
Sing and dance
live and laugh,
run and play
now that you can,
with our Ancestors.
Walk Easy,
my beloved elder brother.