Category Archives: Humor

How My Brain (or at least what’s left of it) Works

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Weather in the Tries:

It gonna be hot, today and tomorrow 96, 99. Then up to triple digits until next Monday. Where I will be is gonna be in the 80s. Nights down as low as 55, mostly in 60s. You just have NO IDEA how happy I am knowing that Climate Change is a hoax. That keeps me mighty cool. 

How My Brain (or at least what’s left of it) Works:

Okay, I really don’t know how it works, I’m just grateful it still does. Well, it sorta works. I forget words now and then, but since I bought a Bling-y phone cover, I haven’t lost my phone.

I also bought a new headset with mic a while back. It’s really kinda neat. For sure it’s more comfortable than the one I’d been using. It also cost more. Noticeably more. And it comes in colors (mine is lilac and cost a dollar less than Housemate’s default black one). It’s a gamer’s headset. The only game I play on my computer is solitaire. The sound effects are of cards being shuffled, dealt, etc. Certainly nothing requiring such a headset. It is fun hearing commercials in stereo though as the music comes in one ear and goes out the other. It’s also wireless. When I’m in a zoom gathering, I can get up to get more coffee and not miss anything (unless I nuke it, then the headset goes off until the nuker goes off). And it has an on/off button. 

There are four notes that go up for on and down for off. And that’s what made me remember my Auntie Marie’s old Chinese Myna Bird, Mac. Everyone in the family would talk to Mac, and we would give him the same four notes, A, B, C, D going from low to high, and he would repeat it. Until my cousin’s husband gave him the same notes. Mac would look at Husband and say the same notes backwards, D, C, B, A. We never did figure that one out. Until that old bird died, he never slipped up and repeated it “correctly” nor did anyone else get the same reverse treatment.

I tried one time and gave him D, C, B, A. He looked at me, then admonished me that it was A, B, C, D. You have not lived until you’ve been admonished by a Chinese Myna Bird.

For his sleep at night, Auntie Marie would put a paper lunch sack in his cage and Mac would go into the bag, tuck his head under a wing, and sleep. All night. Unless he woke. Auntie Marie woke one night and heard Cousin sewing out in the other room where Mac lived, but she was doing it in the dark. Auntie Marie got up to tell Cousin to turn on the light, she needed more than the sewing machine light. She went out into the room, and no one was at the machine. Mac had awakened, and was apparently bored, so thought he’d “sew” himself a new outfit. 

‘They” say smell is one of the best triggers to bring up memories, but in this case, it’s four notes on my gamer’s headset. 

Restaurant Hack:

One of my favorite sandwiches that I only eat in restaurants, never make my own, is a good Reuben, on grilled rye bread. Alas, we seem only able to convince local restaurants to use the marbled rye bread instead of a good black rye. If they can make a good Reuben with the marbled stuff, you know it’s good. But then, Cook ruins it by placing the hot sandwich on the plate so the bottom slice of bread steams and gets soggy. I always ask for fries as my side, and I ask the waitperson to please ask Cook to put the sandwich on top of the fries. Of course, then I have to explain the why of it—when the sandwich goes on the fries, it has air under it as well as heat, and doesn’t get soggy. So, there you go. If you order a grilled sandwich in a restaurant, ask for it to be placed on top of your fries. If you can afford the restaurant and really wanted a side salad, order it, you can afford it. You don’t have to eat the fries. The fries are there for your sandwich. Try it, you’ll like it. Unless, of course, you like soggy bread on your grilled sandwiches.

The reason I only eat Reubens in restaurants and not at home is they are treats. If I make them at home, they are no longer a treat. I also don’t cook lobster at home for the same reason. Going to a restaurant is a treat and I never order anything I can make at home. I also find myself not ordering salads all that much anymore either. That’s because Housemate makes killer salads, why would I pay for lesser eats?

Photos of the Week:

Books: Remember, if I finish a book, I review and post it to http://lenoragood.blogspot.com 

I finished Six Gun Tarot by R. S. Belcher. Oh, saddle up, Buckaroo, it’s a ride and a half. Read my review.

Earworms:

In a real western mood, thanks to Mr. Belcher. Check out some of these oldies.

Roy Rogers (remember him?) & Sons of the Pioneers, Tumbling Tumbleweeds

Sons of the Pioneers, Ghost Riders In the Sky

I remember those songs from when I was an itty bitty kidlet—my folks were still together and we lived in Klamath Falls, Oregon

Quotes from the Old West:

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” —Judge Roy Bean

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.” —Unknown

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”—Will Rogers

I will probably be a wee bit late next week. I’m going to be on the road coming home Monday, so I’ll do the best I can, but it might even be Tuesday before Monday’s gets posted. Patience, Grasshopper!

Sammy is thrilled. I’m leaving him with Housemate. Housemate spoils him rotten. Does he get water in his kibble dish like a normal dog? No. He gets organic chicken stock! And special treats made just for him. I won’t worry, though, unless he starts eating salads. If he and I have to fight over Housemate’s salads, there’s gonna be a come to the table meeting!

Have a great week. And stay cool.

On Writing

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Weather in the Tries:

Well, Tuesday was supposed to be cooler, I guess if you consider 102 cooler than the todays 106, then yes, it will be cooler (I write/schedule this on Sunday). If my phone isn’t telling tall tales, we will be triple digit for 3 days, then high 90s for three days, then back to triple digit. It would be considerably more bearable if we could get nights down to low 60s or lower. Oh, well, this is the desert, and better here with far less humidity than over on the Dark Side of the Cascades. They are really miserable over there.

On Writing:

Received an email from ProWritingAid on Tuesday with the title: Does Good Gramar Make You More Sexy? ProWritingAid is an app that can help anyone become a better writer, or so they say. In the meantime, I had to chuckle at some of the results. 

Apparently, men say that good grammar is important, then swipe their dating app for physical attributes. However, younger women are “31% more likely to choose well-written profiles” over ones filled with grammatical mistrakes. But the one that got me was that Americans seem to care more about good grammar than Brits. This surprised them?? Obviously, they never read Eats, Shoots & Leaves that was written a few years ago by a Brit.

Admittedly, grammar is not my strong suit, but I also don’t claim to be a grammarian. I tried, but could not read what should have been Eats, Shoots, & Leaves. The one thing I understand, at least most of the time, is the Oxford comma. It serves a vital function. And, besides, it’s cute.

However, back to the ProWritingAid’s surprise about American’s being more caring about grammar than Brits, I remembered something from my time in the military and being stationed in Germany. Many of the GI’s were able to wrangle assignments to the University of Heidelberg. Because they were considered foreign students (Brit or Ami) they had to take and pass an English test—in a German University. Go figure. All the guys gathered for their test, and much hilarity ensued with one group teasing the other about not speaking “real” English but speaking American. So, the forty or so guys filed into the testing room, took their test and re-assembled in the hall waiting for their scores. To a man (no women were in this group) all the Americans passed with high scores, and all the British flunked and had to take remedial English to qualify. Apparently, at that time, the English saw no reason to teach English to those born there and growing up using the language. I don’t know if anything has changed or not, but I assume (silly me) that it’s not, as they were surprised at the outcome.

I spent some time on dating apps in years gone by, and I found good grammar a turn-on v. bad grammar. I had never given it any thought, really, as to why, until now. At some level bad grammar told me he probably had lower self-esteem, a younger sense of humor (think 5th grade potty humor), possibly be more needy and looking for mama, probably preferred sports to good books—if he read at all, and would have more limited conversation skills. Now, according to this article, women with good grammar were penalized more. Ya know what? That’s probably okay. An intelligent woman wants a partner in a relationship, not a boy to raise, especially if she’s of an age and has already raised her children.

ProWritingAid is a for-profit app, I do not use it, but do receive their emails. If you are looking for a writing app to help you, check it out. read the fine print, and then draw your own conclusion. And if anyone cares, my title today is On Writing. That is also the title of an excellent “How to Write” book by Stephen King. It’s okay. One may not copyright a title.

One more thing…Housemate sent this to me. He found it in a book online, and thought I’d like it. He was correct, and I’m sharing it with you for the same reason, I think you’ll like it. One of those things that we probably all know at some level but have not consciously cogitated.  From The Elements of Eloquence: How to Turn the Perfect English Phrase. Adjectives, writes the author, professional stickler Mark Forsyth, “absolutely have to be in this order: opinion-size-age-shape-colour-origin-material-purpose Noun. So you can have a lovely little old rectangular green French silver whittling knife. But if you mess with that order in the slightest you’ll sound like a maniac.” 

Poem-a-Day. It’s no secret I love poetry—reading it, writing it, living it. I subscribe to at least two Poems-a-Day, and one I get on Mondays only. The one that came on 27 Jul, Why Do You Love the Poem? —by Charles Bernstein, is one of the best I’ve read in a while. I use repetition, both in my poetry and in my prose, though not so much there. I’m a firm believer that when used to good effect, it’s worth the while. Give this poem a minute of your time. Even if you don’t love poetry. (Stretch yourself now and again—it’s good for you.;-) 

Photos of the Week:

One of our more melodic residents enjoying the sprinkler.
Who called this meeting? Why?
I got a new phone cover. the sides are encrusted with wee diamonds (glass) and the back is dynamic with the sparklie’s moving. Originally purchased for fun, but all the bling sure makes it easier to find my phone!

Books: Remember, if I finish a book, I review and post it to http://lenoragood.blogspot.com 

I’ve started a couple of books. One is the fourth in a series, and I became intrigued enough to buy Volumes 1, 2, & 3 and put 4 away until I get the others. Not sure exactly what the genre is, western, horror, fun??? Then I started another urban fantasy. And then along came Jones, slow walking—sorry, I got carried away for a few seconds. I decided it’s time to haul out some novels I’ve written, and go through them again to polish as much as possible, then see if I can interest an agent and or publisher.  If those count as books read, and read again, and yet again…My Adventures as Brother Rat and Forgotten Daughter. Does it count that I need to read them cover to cover to make changes? Those of you who have read any of my novels as a reader, I would appreciate knowing which novel you read, and if you had problems with the names.

Earworms:

Years ago, waaaaaay back in my own ancient history, Folk Music was the big thing in music. I loved it. I loved Joni Mitchell. Then I wandered away from folk music to rock n roll, blues, classical, whatever. At some point I remember that Ms. Mitchell had some health problems and alas, she dropped off my radar. Well, the other day, someone sent me an NPR link about the Newport Folk Festival concert where Joni Mitchell made a surprise appearance and stole the show. Her voice is deeper, but she’s still got what it takes and then some!!! Check her out. Read the article. Watch all the videos! Joni Mitchell, entertainer extraordinaire!!

Just Like this Train

Both Sides Now with Brandi Carlile (shall I admit this is one of my “I’m gonna cry now” songs? Naw, I don’t think you need to know that do you?)

Summertime

Circle Game

Quotes from Joni Mitchel courtesy of Inspiring Quotes:

“All my battles were with male egos. I’m just looking for equality, not to dominate. But I want to be able to control my vision.” —Joni Mitchell

“I see music as fluid architecture.” —Joni Mitchell

“I learned a woman is never an old woman.” —Joni Mitchell

I think the Brave Dog will be happy when this heat dome dissipates. The sidewalk doesn’t seem to get too hot, but the driveway does, and the mid-late afternoon walks are of necessity, short, and usually in our small yard. The early morning walk is usually the only ‘long’ one of the day right now.

NOT a Rant ;-)

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Weather in the Tries:

Aw shucks, what can I say? It’s gonna be some warm with more sun than clouds mostly in the 90s & up. It’s okay, unless it gets too humid. Come on down….

Not a Rant:

I truly do appreciate y’all allowing me my now and then rant, but ya know what? They are somewhat exhausting to write. Hope they aren’t too hard on you to read.

So, when I lived in ABQ, I put a quilt top together, and pieced the backing. Then, I moved back here, so packed it. The other day, I decided to dig it out of Shed 54 (my storage unit) and bring it home to finish. I found it, brought it home, and unfolded it to iron and butter my butt and call me a biscuit! Not only was the top pinned to the back (no batting in the ‘sandwich’ as this is a summer quilt) but I’d started quilting, and as luck would have it, I still had the same thread. I set my machine up and started quilting. Now, when I pin a quilt together, I use small curved stainless-steel pins, and I seldom fasten them, then as I quilt, I remove them. Wow. I was sore for several days from patting my back at how smart I was to have it already to go.

Yeah. Right. I got the first 3 or 4 rows quilted, and then ran into a rusted pin. Not only was the pin rusted, it was rusted to the fabric. Draw something to scale that is 65” on top and bottom, and 91” on the sides. Every five inches horizontal and vertical, put a pencil dot. Now, just for grins, go in and randomly erase any 20-25 dots you want. Yeah, what’s left are the rust zits on my quilt.

Fortunately, my ex-neighbors in Florida worked in a hospital and had access to the salespersons, and got me a good, metal forceps. They used theirs for joints, I use mine to pull the quilting needle when it’s got too much fabric on it. Or, if the rusted pin has melded with the fabric, I use it to pull the pin out. So not only does my quilt have rust zits all over it, there are also some wee teensy holes. 

I have the bestest families—but you already know that—both of blood and of choice, and I’ve got cousins and sisters of choice who quilt and I put the word out, and they in turn put the word out—how does one get rust out of fabric??

One does NOT use bleach, unless one has Stop Bleach (Sodium Thiosulfate) at hand. I don’t. But several people suggested white vinegar and sunshine. Of course, they weren’t thinking of a huge quilt, and their directions read almost like Martha Steward wrote them. Lay the fabric on a clean, old, folded towel, pour a bit of vinegar on the spot, let set a minute or so, blot with a clean cloth and place fabric in the sunshine to dry. The combination of white vinegar and sunlight should cause the rust spots to fade. I can’t deal with the pouring of the vinegar on each and every zit on the quilt let alone using something to politely dab it on—I’m going to buy a gallon of it, put the quilt in a tub, add vinegar, and agitate every so often. Alas, I have to do this at someone else’s home because though I’ve got the sun (see weather above) I don’t have the space to lay the quilt out. Unless I float it on the pond, and I think that would upset the ducks. The geese would just walk on it. And the turtle? Who knows what she’d do?

Seriously, there is no place big enough to lay it out that has that much sun. We have a lot of trees, so though we get sun, it’s spotty. A couple hours here, a couple hours there…and we have ducks, geese, turtles, frogs, dogs, and kids. For the most part, the dogs are leashed.

I’m going to visit friends this next week, and though they live on the Dark Side of the mountains, they may actually get sun for an hour or two (snicker/snort), and they do have a couple of yards big enough, I hope, to lay the quilt out, if not on the grass, on the bushes. So, perhaps, I’ll have a ‘new’ quilt next week. Summer quilts are nice on cool nights when a sheet isn’t enough, and a regular quilt with a filling of some sort is too much. They were/are used a lot in the South in the summers, hence the name.

Speaking of turtles… a few days ago was the first I knew we had any in the pond, and the ladies who told me said it was pretty big, maybe 8” wide by 10” long (shell size guestimate), they had found it in the road and put it back in the pond. I got ready to run a couple errands on Thursday about noon, and there was a huge turtle in our yard. She had dug a hole and was laying eggs, I stood ‘guard’ so no one would pick her up and put her back in the pond—and one gal came by, saw her, and reached for her before I could stop her and ask her to leave her alone. When I explained why, she stopped, and looked, and allowed as how it was pretty neat. I waited a bit longer, and she covered the nest in fact it’s pretty hard to see. I marked it with a big rock next to it, not on top, until facilities can come by and paint around it, or something. Don’t think the riding mower will do the eggs any good, but anyhow, I have pictures and one video of mama turtle laying eggs and covering nest. She then started heading someplace not safe for her, so I picked her up and put her near the pond. She wasted no time to get back in the water.

Photos of the Week:

Yep, that me inside of Roses Cantina, having almost finished a quart of Margarita! I could still walk when I left 😉
If there is no picture, click on the ‘start’ triangle to see Mama Turtle. I’m not sure ‘mama’ is a proper term, she lays the eggs, covers them, then goes back to the pond with no maternal instinct. They should hatch around mid September.

Books: Remember, if I finish a book, I review and post it to http://lenoragood.blogspot.com I needed something a bit more uplifting after the last Allende book which I haven’t finished, and may never. Especially if none of you have read it and can assure me it’s not truly a downer all the way through. So, I opened my phone, and found one I’d downloaded some time ago, A Trifle Dead (Café La Femme Mystery Book 1 of 3) —by Livia Day. A lot of people are, I strongly suspect, closet readers of Cozy mysteries. I, my friends, am so far out of that closet, I don’t even know where it is anymore. This one takes place in Tasmania, and one of the supporting characters is a Scot from the Auld Sod, itself. I have to give Ms. Day credit, it’s very difficult to write believable accents, and she does a marvelous job of it. Not over done, but enough to add spice to the story, and make me homesick for a place I’ve never been. I’m about 27% of the way through the book, and it is fun. Of course, by 30% it could downhill on a runaway rollercoaster—but I don’t think so.

Earworms:

El Paso, Marty Robbins. Yes, Rose’s Cantina is real, that’s where I got a top shelf margarita—a whole 32 ounces in a quart canning jar. Fortunately it was a lot more mix and less tequila because I drank the whole thing. Oh, if you ever get to visit, the food (and drink) is (are) wonderful, but please, don’t play the song. The staff will appreciate you more.

Big Iron, Marty Robbins. Yeah, I like Marty Robbins. And I like the Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs. Shucks, if Marty sang it, I love it. 

Seven Spanish Angels, Willie Nelson & Ray Charles. Two of the all-time greats, together.

Quotes on Quilting from Quiltdom:

“Sewing small pieces together gives me a peaceful heart and a quilt to wrap you with, my love.” ― Benita Skinner

“Our lives are like quilts – bits and pieces, joy and sorrow, stitched with love.” ― Unknown

 “After all, a woman didn’t leave much behind in the world to show she’d been there. Even the children she bore and raised got their father’s name. But her quilts, now that was something she could pass on.” ― Sandra Dallas

The Brave Dog here. She is in getting more coffee, so I jumped up on her chair. Back to the turtle–believe me, it wasn’t even worth a sniff, let alone worrying about. Humans! But I have to admit, my human checks the walkway and driveway with her hand before she lets me walk. That’s because she does’t want my wee feets burned. Favorite walking time is early in the morning or after sunset in the evening. See, my human really does love me. Okay, she’s coming back, I’d best get this posted so she’ll think she did it before she filled her cup.

I Want to Thank…

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You ever utter those words? Write those words? They make me want to jump all over the person who says or writes them, with hob-nail boots! If you really want to thank them, do so. Don’t tell me you want to thank them, just thank them.

“I thank my mother for raising me, my boss for hiring me, my teachers for trying…” 

Can you tell that phrase really knocks Auntie Lenora off her nice soft office chair and into a flash mini rage? Of course, if you want to commit murder and mayhem, well, maybe you shouldn’t do that. Leave it to her, she’s probably a better shot than you. (Expert with the M-16. I was asked to be on the Air National Guard Rifle Team, but they wouldn’t buy my practice ammo. Even way back then, it was pricey!)

We all have words and phrases that affect us adversely for any number of reasons or rationales. Another phrase that sets my teeth on edge is, “Me and…” It was ok for the country song, when she sang about “me and Bobby McGee” because in the song she wasn’t too well educated. But it’s not all right for everyday usage. You wouldn’t say, “Me stood on the bridge today.” Would you? I guess if you would, well, what can I possibly say?

I find that phrase mildly acceptable in dialog in a story, provided someone informs the speaker of the correct usage. If you’re of an age, you remember the old tv show, Leave it to Beaver from 1957-1963. When Wally, the Beav, or any of their young friends used a word incorrectly, Mom was quick to remind them of the correct usage. When my kids were young, they were watching reruns, and Wally used a word incorrectly, without thinking, I corrected him. I was echoed by Mom on the tv. Boy Howdy! Were my kids impressed! I was as smart as a tv mom 😉 !

Then, there’s ‘gifting’—I’m going to gift my friend with yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. And my friend says, “I was gifted with…but I can’t use it, so I got permission and I’m gifting it to…” It may be right proper correct grammar, but it sounds funny. Any Grammar Nazi’s want to weigh in on that one? Or, for that matter, any of the ones I’ve mentioned.

Speaking of Grammar Nazi’s, it’s not that I am one. I’m not. And I’ve gotten more or less to the point where there, their, and they’re used improperly don’t do much more than make me wince. I just figure the person is either uneducated, lazy, or dyslexic. (I’m dyslexic, so I try to pay extra special attention to those kinds of words.) 

I do, however, have friends who are Grammar Nazis. And you know what? I’m thrilled we’re friends because they will often read my stories and correct my mistrakes. I love those folks. I truly do, they do their best to make my writing if not great, at least acceptable. Hugs to you.

Is alright one word or two? I have a friend who insists it one or the other, and I can never remember. I just tense up when I write it and wonder which it is. How I love Wordhippo.com and Dictionary.com. Years ago, I had a terrible time with lay and lie. My dearly beloved affianced used to pounce every time I used the wrong word. I got to where I would say, “I’m going to go get horizontal on the bed.” Problem solved. Then we broke up, and the problem was not only solved, it disappeared completely. 😉

What are your pet peeves? I know you’ve got them. What words or phrases set your teeth on edge? Use the Comment section and let us know. Please.

Hot Spring at Yellowstone National Park

Entertainment:

Holy Moley, guacamole! I haven’t watched a single thing on tv that wasn’t news, or news related this week. BUT, I have just about finished a quilt. Be sure to tune in next week for a picture of the finished product. 

I did finish a two-part workshop on writing ekphrastic poems. An ekphrastic poem is one that uses a piece of art as inspiration. I’ve been writing them for years, and it’s one of my favorite forms. In the meantime, I’ve managed to have two published in the last few days.

Tower of Horses is the 3d one down at: https://www.ekphrastic.net/ekphrastic/ekphrastic-writing-responses-franz-marcand Autumn’s Kiss is at http://quillandparchment.com/archives/Oct2020/autu2.html The art for both poems is with the poem so you can see the inspiration. If you enjoy poetry, check out both sites, and read the various poems. Because I like poetry, I find it interesting to see all the different stories people tell about the same piece of art. 

Books: 

See Rainy Day Reads for reviews and mayhaps a bit of snark. Who? Me? Snark? Bwahahahaha!

I have almost finished Rage by Bob Woodward. I should have the review posted in the next couple of days.

Outro:

Wearing a mask is a proven method to help slow down the spread of Covid19. Please, wear your mask. And wear it properly—keep it over your nose! (Some people don’t realize if the elastic isn’t tight enough to keep it over their nose, they can tie a knot at the end of the loop. Feel free to educate them.) And Socially Distance! Your Uncle and your Grampy appreciate your thoughtfulness. However, I promise when you stop by for a fresh cuppa and homemade biscotti, we’ll be properly socially distanced so you may remove your mask at that time. Honest. Trust me.

THOU SHALT NOT COVID THY NEIGHBOR’S LIFE–WEAR THY MASK! (Swiped from the www.)

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Auntie Lenora